Roll away your stone; I’ll roll away mine
"You are not alone in this."
Me, she-who-analyzes-everything, I hadn’t even considered the symbolism of a kidney stone yet.
I of course immediately updated my friends and family via Facebook about my current kidney stone situation. And it sucked. A friend commented, quoting a book, defining kidney stones as things like lumps of undissolved anger. The affirmation being, “I dissolve all past problems with ease.”
I limped over to my own bookshelf to pull out Your Body Speaks Your Mind by Deb Shapiro. Doubled over, her thoughts echoed my friend’s.
“Unshed tears that have become solidified. They should be released and let go of, but instead they are held on to, enabling them to grow. Are you repressing or holding on to negative feelings, such as fear, anger, resentment or bitterness?”
Oh. Gosh. Welp, lookie here, I thought to myself, leafing back in my journal to an entry from two days before I began hurting.
6/27/2010 – I’m still so angry. I try to not be, but I am just still so angry. So hurt. So infuriated that I believed for so long. That I was fooled…. I’ve completely shut down and am totally disinterested in talking about it, yet still harbouring so much anger.
And even more than that, a half a dozen other mentionings of being hurt, still being angry, and feeling disempowered even in the midst of being simultaneously empowered in many other facets of my life. I began to realize through re-reading my ramblings that my reactions to the particular situation had become automatic. I immediately would acknowledge “I am angry” as my affirmation, yet I began to realize – am I really though? Or do I just refuse to pry that anger out of my obstinate fists for fear of admitting defeat?
Toxicity. Poison. Hazardous.
And so, I got PISSED that I had a kidney stone because I was mad about something else. I cursed in the face of what had hurt me most and hissed, “How dare you still upset me like this. Who do you think you are, still berating me? Let me let go of this, you a-hole!”
On the fifth morning of hurting, I awoke at 4am to the most horrific pain I had experienced yet. I hobbled to my sister’s room and begged her to go buy me a heating pad, it being the only thing I could think of that would perhaps alleviate the stabbing throb in my right kidney. As I curled back up into bed with the gentle heat, I began to pray.
At this point, there was no reason to feed into the anger. I began making a list of questions in my head and steadily asked each one breathlessly aloud.
Am I angry about where I am in life?
Am I angry that I am without that in my life right now?
Am I angry it was ever a part of my life?
Am I really hurt right now (other than my goddamn kidney)?
Am I unhappy with my life right now?
I kept answering, “No.”
Bitterness and resentment are emotions of clinging to the past. It thereby empowers long passed anger in the present.
Anger happens. Sometimes without warning. Heartbreak happens and can linger.
I am not actually angry anymore, I realized. I have no reason to be upset anymore. I really don’t. I realize how much I wanted to stay bitter and resentful, but it will really only hurt me. After all, I was the one with the kidney stones, no one else. (Although believe me, if I knew how to give someone else kidney stones, I might be tempted to do so in a few special outstanding cases)
Dignity means portraying behavior worthy of respect and high esteem. Why hold a grudge and carry that shadow everywhere I go? It will only darken my skies and damper someone else’s. I’ll be the one with the kidney stones and the exhausted heart.
I do not want to be the bitter old woman. I do not want to be a cynical twenty-six year old. I have seen those people before and I solemnly swear to consciously choose not to be that.
I am worthy of living my life without resentment and I choose to not live in the echo of my anger.
After that morning when I prayed, affirming that I was indeed no longer angry, the pain began to slowly retreat. I spent my time healing with the most incredible people in my life – my cousin, who had flown in from Boston and my best friend, who flew in from Milwaukee for a Fourth of July camping trip that never happened (thanks kidney stone) and of course my sister – and I realized that I really, truly had nothing to be mad about anymore.
My heart, in the form of my best friends.
Each time I went to the bathroom to pee, I’d wash my hands and return to my spot on the couch amidst my favorites. Even though I was still hurting a little bit, there was no reason to hold on to any of that hurt anymore. I let it pass, and it passed without drama.